My Fathers Grandson…

photography by shane deruise

Originally Published on: Oct 15, 2010 @ 10:10

I have laid awake many nights this month, thinking away. My work has become a burden to me. Is it good enough? Is my vision right? Do I have the look that is marketable? All of these questions for a craft that I have spent 10 years perfecting.

I use to never question myself, I shot what I want when I wanted, and it sold, or at the very least, struck interest in my meager internet following. Now I’m not sure what I should be doing.

If erotic won’t sell, and commercial won’t sell, and every other rip-off-so-called photographer in the area can’t have an original thought without visiting my site or blog (and I know you do), then what really is the point?

I think back to all of this, because I have a son.

When I say it out loud it almost feels like it’s not true. All the while he is marinating in my wife’s belly, what do I have to offer him? What legacy am I handing down? Can I even be a good father?

I worry I have some inherent trait that would force he and I away from each other. I also worry that despite my best efforts, all the care I can give to him isn’t good enough. What am I handing him? A father that works for himself and barely gets by? A father that helps out others and gets taken advantage of in the process? A father that has worked for years to become something, even a marginal something… and despite a great talent, the lack of assets has managed to make him fall short?

My heart is broken because of it.

My father was always busy trying to work for us, and then, later… he became injured and distant. Only now, 20 years and 200 miles after the fact, are we able to communicate like people. I’m just not sure I understand how to be a dad.

Then I think of the love that my wife and I can give him, and the things I learned from my grandmother, mother, and father. How to scramble and egg, or build a fort, or shoot your cousin with a bow-and-arrow made by hand from some bamboo in the neighbors yard. It makes me feel like I have a chance to show him a world that most kids don’t get to experience.

Then I think, despite what his father may be now, there is no better father for him.

2 Responses to My Fathers Grandson…

  1. Amber says:

    your work is amazing…it’s like the things you see people in movies looking back to & saying I wish i would have gotten that before it got so huge…its very inspiring because i’m a young photographer trying to find her way & “look & style” but its just hard to pose people the way you know will look amazing when they feel it’s awkward but once they see the end result they’re like ohhh i never saw that coming from what you were doing…i know i have sooo far to go because i just but a hold on my college to give my try with something i adore..& thats photography but i’m hoping to make it as a photographer were i can make others feel as beautiful as they should…beauty can be found in the most unlikely places….you find that & it inspires me to continue on…just wanted to show my gratitude & let you know i’m not ripping off you ideas…just like your blog & photos….different peoples perspectives on things amaze me…thanks again & keep up the rockin work dude 🙂

    –amber

  2. Pastor Ray Rouse(Neal Rouse) says:

    Shane, brother I know you will be an awesome father. I have seen the way you have played with my boys over the years, it was like they were yours at times. The very reason to this day they still call you UNCLE SHANE. Everyone makes mistakes. The thing is to learn from them. If not, there isnt a point. I can guarantee you that your father regrets not being there for you when you were young. I’ve known youher dad as long as we have eknown each other and I heknow deep down in my heart you will be a great dad and he will be a great grandfather

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