My Fathers Grandson…

August 6, 2012

photography by shane deruise

Originally Published on: Oct 15, 2010 @ 10:10

I have laid awake many nights this month, thinking away. My work has become a burden to me. Is it good enough? Is my vision right? Do I have the look that is marketable? All of these questions for a craft that I have spent 10 years perfecting.

I use to never question myself, I shot what I want when I wanted, and it sold, or at the very least, struck interest in my meager internet following. Now I’m not sure what I should be doing.

If erotic won’t sell, and commercial won’t sell, and every other rip-off-so-called photographer in the area can’t have an original thought without visiting my site or blog (and I know you do), then what really is the point?

I think back to all of this, because I have a son.

When I say it out loud it almost feels like it’s not true. All the while he is marinating in my wife’s belly, what do I have to offer him? What legacy am I handing down? Can I even be a good father?

I worry I have some inherent trait that would force he and I away from each other. I also worry that despite my best efforts, all the care I can give to him isn’t good enough. What am I handing him? A father that works for himself and barely gets by? A father that helps out others and gets taken advantage of in the process? A father that has worked for years to become something, even a marginal something… and despite a great talent, the lack of assets has managed to make him fall short?

My heart is broken because of it.

My father was always busy trying to work for us, and then, later… he became injured and distant. Only now, 20 years and 200 miles after the fact, are we able to communicate like people. I’m just not sure I understand how to be a dad.

Then I think of the love that my wife and I can give him, and the things I learned from my grandmother, mother, and father. How to scramble and egg, or build a fort, or shoot your cousin with a bow-and-arrow made by hand from some bamboo in the neighbors yard. It makes me feel like I have a chance to show him a world that most kids don’t get to experience.

Then I think, despite what his father may be now, there is no better father for him.


Withstand…

July 6, 2010

shane deruise

photography by shane deruise, raleigh, nc

shot my aunt and uncle this weekend as well… 50 years married… amazing…

hopefully i will be nationally represented by the end of the month… things slowly falling into place…


Lineage

July 6, 2010

shane deruise

photography by shane deruise

a photo a snapped while shooting commercial portraits of my grandfather, thought it would be nice to have a photo of most of the family, since none exist… i do declare…


Green traffic…

June 21, 2010

photography by shane deruise

been very busy, new commercial clients, and my new site going live this week, hopefully by wednesday… new work coming up as well… i’m tying some ends and hopefully by the end of the week will be represented nationally…


miles of road…

April 24, 2010

shane deruise

shane deruise

photography by shane deruise

road trip from the beach…


Yellow beach tastes…

March 26, 2010

shane deruise

photography by shane deruise

photographers that walk around with there cameras around their necks make me laugh…

off for adventures this weekend with a lovely lady…


To the beach from Pennsylvania…

February 3, 2010

shane deruise

photography by shane deruise